Tuesday, May 31, 2005

More to come

anyway, jus to update. My presentation went well.. but now there's another bigger one coming up on 27 jun... so do continue to pray for me... this one definitely cannot gabbra... Also, I'm going Ontario, Canada for study trip. Well, was pretty excited abt it but as I go abt making arrangement,... the excitement seems to die down.. I"m gonna travel to the other end of the globe by myself... yes by myself.. back and forth... am gonna extend for 2 days.. initially was planning to visit Niagara falls which is in Ontario... but I think I'm gonna 4get abt it cos its abt 300 km away from where I'm going....will probably jus tour around midland... anyway... its really funny. I realise that the conference only last for 2.5 days... can u imagine... I actually travel close to 24 hrs x 2 to canada for a 2.5 days conference.... and I only can extend 2 days cos the following week is the big presenation... oh well, I 'll hv to make the best out of my trip..
I'm pretty.. afriad actually cos this is the 1st time i'm travelling alone and its so far some more... hope I wont end up in africa after the transit.... Pls pray for me that I'll hv a safe and smooth journey... its gonna be from 13 jun - 21 jun.. also, that all my work and the out standing issues will be settled b4 I leave. tat when I return, I'll be in the right condition to present the following mon.

Anyway, recently, I've been thinking..... hv I been using too much of my mind and not my heart... I realise tat alot of my decisions are based on my mind.... even when it comes to relationships..... I seems to follow my mind more than my heart.... dono whether is that a gd thing or bad... I guess... there's no gd or bad... but in retrospect, I wonder if following my mind had caused me to miss out on certain things in my life... that, maybe I wldnt be wat I am now if I had followed my heart.. then again... I will never know if its a good thing or not.... but I guess, God had been in control.. and he will always be

Saturday, May 21, 2005

jus doodling

well.... jus updating so that I dont appear too lazy... anyway, C3 shld be in desaru now.... hai.... its a pity I cant join all of u.
Anyway, my presentation is on tue... and I've reserved the weekend to rehearse and prepare myself... think its a big thing... never presented in front of so many big shots before.... well.... dono lah... I'm amazingly calm abt it though.. Its strange actually. cos' when I had to present to my director previously, I was really nervous .... for the whole week..... but for this presentation... which is even bigger..... I'm strangely calm abt it... I believe it's cos' I've been asking ppl to pray that I'll be calm for my presentation and I'll be at peace.... so I credit it to God :)
Anyway, as for now, I'm still harbouring the hope of not being asked to present... I hope that the PS will decide that a presentation will not be necessary cos they had read the paper :P
well, but my AD said that ... "sure present one lah".... well that kinda dash my hope... but I still hv 3 days to prepare..... jus pray for me that I'll hav a super good memory so that I'll be able to remember wat I wrote in my briefing notes... and I'll stay calm and i'll be able to articulate well.

ok... let me share with u something interesting yesterday.......... my office is situated 10-15 min walk away from HQ.... yesterday alone, I walk to HQ 3 times and back..... wow! quite frustrating actually... esp. the last trip. ok, here's how it goes..... at 11am: I took a ride from my colleague to HQ to submit my presentation slides to my AD and director for approval.... so afterthat, we travelled back to office in her car... so that was not tat bad.... at 1230: we went for lunch. during lunch, I receive a call from my boss.... she ask me to replace the covering min I sent with my presentation slides to "for your information" instead of "for your approval" and include the briefing notes in the file.......hai.... so at 2pm: I walked from office to HQ (AD's office) to replace the doc... had quite a long chart with my AD.... went back to office.... and when I reach office... within 5 min.. I receive a call from my director..... (this is really rare!!!! director usu. dont talk to u on the phone directly.... so that kinda freak me out!!) ... he asked me to see him now!!! Iwas like... erm... ok..... so I frantically got all the document ready thinking that he has alot of comments to make abt the slides.... and in 10 min time... I walk back to HQ (director's office) ... perspiring and all........... anyway, I apologise for keeping him waiting.....(actually I purposely said that so that he will ask me why I took so long :P) and told him that I came from the institution office....... and he was really surprise.... he said that in that case.. he shldnt hv asked me to come over...... so he gave me his comments..... and guess wat... there were only ONE comment to ONE slide lah!!!! urrrrrhhhgghhghgh........ I was like.... "huh.. that's it?!!!" and he said yah!!! ... irritating lah...... anyway, I told him that actually I was at AD's office jus awhile ago b4 I went back to my office.... I think he felt abit bad lah... so he apologise..... well so that was nice... and he tried to make some small talk before I left..... still I felt pretty stupid lah... make me rush like mad for a simple... mini comment... well... but he dono I work across the street lah... and he apologise... which my colleague was surprise to hear... so I guess.... its not his fault.... but my colleague was like " u so daring to tell him that!" hahaha.... well that's me...... :P

anway,... jus wanna share somthing that my AD was sharing with me yesterday.... his a really nice guy.... very encouraging.... he said that since God had seen this project through thus far... and if God willing he will continue to see it through.... and that we are God's instrument in making a difference in these ppl's life! wow! then he said that he always commit it to God with that in mind and ask God to help him to present with clarity and convincingly.... and lastly, if they really turn down the idea... to ask God for an open and teachable heart.... so that I can learn from this experience.... :) wow... so nice.... so I ask him to remember me in prayer and he said of cos.... so sweet lah!

anyway, he was so sweet and encouraging... he told me tat the other day.... he and director and another AD was talking and director was commenting that a paper submitted to him from HR was really bad staff work.... quite badly done... and director commented that the paper I put up is good and that the writer obviously know wat is required and wat she's doing...... so he ask who wrote it... then my ADs.. said its me :)..... so he decided to tell me and encourage me.... ehehhehe.... so nice...

ok.... last thing to share.... this is something James wanted me to put in the blog so that whoever reads it can be alerted and help me if possible.... anyway, 2 days ago I was woken up by my headache... I think its a migraine cos its one sided...... and it didnt go away even after taking panadol.... it happened to me a few times b4,.... quite strange cos.... who wakes up from a headache rite...... I've never heard of anyone like that............. headache is suppose to go away when u rest and sleep.... not wake u up in the middle of ur sleep at 4am...... well... if anyone knows wat's happening... pls enlighten and diagnose me :)

tat's all folks.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

When will it be good enough?

feeling pretty demoralised, disillusioned, disappointed, sad, tired, feel like giving up... well. my paper for ministry had gone through so many rounds and levels of vetting that I'm starting to feel really demoralised and disappointed with myself.... Am I that bad..... how come it never seems to be good enough.... I'm really tired with the paper now... I'm so sick of reading it that I can no longer spot the mistakes or look at it with a clear perspective... let alone try to think like a perm sec... and write in such a way that will convince him.... hai.... I'm darm xian .... I just feel that I've disappointed my bosses and caused them so much trouble hvg to vet it again and again... that day my director even ask me to his office lah.... and now it seem like I'm on 24 hrs stand by cos my bosses are calling me on my hp day and nite cos of the paper.... anyway, its due for submission by this fri... so by hook or by crook ... it has to be submitted... even if its not good enough...

After that I'll hv to worry abt the presentation to perm sec.... that's gonna be really stressful.... public speaking is not really my cup of tea.... esp infront of all the big shots...and I think there will be at least 40-50 ppl... and I'm the first presenter lah.... and I hv 1 wk to prepare...... dono how am I gonna go through this....... I've been so tight up with the paper that I've been neglecting my counselling.... not been seeing my clients for 3 wks now... and I dont see my buzyness and stress level going down until the end of the mth...... hai....... I wanna break free......Some day I'll fly away.......

Monday, May 02, 2005

Blessings.....

Been feeling really blessed. Indeed, all that I am and all that I have is a result of God's grace, mercy, faithfullness and love towards me... which I totally dont deserve! As I look back right now, it seems really amazing how God had orchestrated my life and how He had brought me through different seasons of my life.. I totally dont deserve it....